What I've Been Missing

al·ly

   /v. əˈlaɪ; n. ˈælaɪ, əˈlaɪ/ [v. uh-lahy; n. al-ahy, uh-lahy] verb, -lied, -ly·ing, noun, plural -lies.

–verb (used with object)

1.

to unite formally, as by treaty, league, marriage, or the like (usually fol. by with  or to ): Russia allied itself to France.

2.

to associate or connect by some mutual relationship, as resemblance or friendship.

–verb (used without object)

3.

to enter into an alliance; join; unite.

–noun

4.

a person, group, or nation that is associated with another or others for some common cause or purpose: Canada and the United States were allies in world War II.

5.

Biology . a plant, animal, or other organism bearing an evolutionary relationship to another, often as a member of the same family: The squash is an ally of the watermelon.

6.

a person who associates or cooperates with another; supporter.

One of the things I miss most these days...
having an ally.  I miss sharing that knowing glance with someone from across a crowded room - the look that says you are both in on that inside joke or that look that says "rescue me".
Lately, I have been acutely aware of the alliance my parents share with each other after all those years of marriage. I miss sharing this with John. I miss this intimacy so deeply it hurts.
On some days I am so low and while I know I have my infant child who will always be by my side more than anyone else, I still miss the uniqueness and the closeness of the relationship I shared with my husband. He was truly my best friend in the whole world - the only one I could share everything with (everything from my deepest, darkest secrets to the most useless tidbits from my day). Some days I feel like no one is really on my side.  I know that in reality this is untrue, that I have many friends and family who are looking out for me in this struggle, but I still feel like no one is really in my corner the same way that John always was. I am fighting for myself these days.