Today has been a very hard day for me. Everything was going pretty well until a friend from out-of-town, Stacey, stopped by for a visit along with a mutual friend (Jennifer) this afternoon. My first impression was that Stacey and I had a very nice visit, especially considering we had not seen each other since Christmas. After Stacey had left, Jennifer proceeded to tell me in confidence that Stacey had expressed to her a particular concern for the state of our friendship lately. Apparently Stacey doesn't feel like I want her to be involved in my life. As a bit of a back story, my friend Stacey has a tendency to go to other people before she will address you directly about whatever is bothering her (which in my opinion is not the mature way to deal with your issues and reminds me a bit of high school). Also critical to know about the history of our friendship is that once John and I moved out of our childhood town years ago, we felt Stacey and her fiance (whom we had been particularly close to over the years) seemed to drift away from our friendship. Perhaps it was the distance, perhaps it was that we were married, perhaps it was because we were moving forward with our life, or maybe it was for completely different reasons, but regardless, the friendship changed in some way. Part of me always felt like Stacey was measuring her life against my life with John. I struggled with her emotional distance for a while, but then I just began to accept it. And then my life fell to pieces....
Since John's accident I have gone through a whirlwind of activity. I moved back home, I had a baby, I had to organize a funeral, I have had to completely rearrange my life as I once knew it. It has been a long journey this past year and I am physically and emotionally drained. A few months ago, I made a plea to my friends to please be understanding and patient with me. I explained that I just could not be there the way that I used to. No longer could I keep up with the correspondence, the phone conversations, extending the emotional availability I once prided myself for being able to give others. It has become increasingly hard for me to be there when I have to take care of everything for myself, things that used to be John's chores and duties have now become my own. First and foremost, I have a duty to take care of my baby. Anyone who has a child knows how time consuming they can be. At the end of the day, once my To Do List has been completed and my baby's needs have been met, I have to take care of myself. At this moment in my life, I need more taking care of than ever before and more understanding than ever from my friends. For the most part, everyone has been very understanding (as understanding as they could ever be of someone in my situation) and have given me a free pass and an excuse to be a lousy friend until things become more normal (whatever that means).
These days I feel like I can barely keep my head above water. I am overwhelmed in the biggest sense of the word, so when I heard through Jennifer that Stacey is disappointed that I haven't called her back lately, that I haven't been there the way that a good friend should be, that apparently I talk to others instead of her (I heard she said I talk to my "mom friends" more quickly than to her [she does not have children yet]), it made me incredibly defensive, angry and frustrated. I know I need to talk to my friend about how she feels, but I am just so angry that she couldn't confront me about her feelings, almost as though she was afraid that I couldn't handle it. It also bothers me that in my greatest time of need for her to be understanding and forgiving, she is asking me to give more to her. Am I wrong to think that she is being the selfish one? Is it wrong for me to feel so vulnerable and hurt? Part of me thinks that her behaviour is reflective of the different stages we are at in life. Maybe she just doesn't understand because she hasn't been what I've been through, because she doesn't know what it's like to have a baby or to lose her best friend and husband? But why is it that my other friends can have this empathy and she cannot?
I know that I am risking a lot of my friendships by being so selfish these days, but I feel like my real friends will understand and be there for me in the end. Isn't that what true friendship is all about?
ugh! this is something that has often bothered me too. i have written several entries in my blog about friends and their duties as that.
ReplyDeletelets just state the facts.
they do not get it.
they never will.
unless, god forbid, it happens to them.
only then can they truly understand.
it's important you try and hook up with a fellow widow. they can understand you completely and you guys can be there for each other more than friends you have had for years.
try to be forgiving to your friends.
i found out the hard way.
i was very bitter for a couple months and it blew up in my face.
write out SPECIFICALLY what you need from them and have them read it.
sometimes they are just clueless :)
we can do this.
stay strong, sister.